Daddy Loves You

I've been writing you this letter since I was 18 years old. Sounds crazy doesn't it, since you weren't born until I was 32. But it took your birth for your dad to be able to put all of the pieces of his life together and understand how everything I ever did added up to the ultimate blessing- YOU. I remember sitting at your grandmothers kitchen table, in the middle of the night just wanting to write- letters, poems, songs, anything that would bring my heart to life, so that if anything ever happened to me, the people I love would know how I felt about them.
Two minutes after you were born, they put you down in the bassonet to listen to your heartbeat, to make sure you were ok- you stared at your dad the whole time like you knew I was your protection, and I remember thinking- NOTHING will harm you Boo Boo- then just wishing I had a pen.

My granddad died was I was 11. He was the closest thing to a father I had. My grandmother, your great grandma passed away the year before and everyone said that granddad died of a broken heart. I was a kid, but I so vividly remember hearing people talk about how he had nothing to live for once grandma died, and everytime I heard it I would think"what about me"? I would wake up in the morning and think that that would be the day that I told granddad- "I need you- live for me,", but I never did it- and never got the chance to. Thats when I decided that I would never let anyone not know how I feel about them, what they meant to me...21 years later I had a daughter- and for the first time in my life- I didn't even have the vocabulary to say how in love I was- I still don't.

My first words when you were born were "she looks just like me"! Lips, nose, and the big forehead- all daddy :) To me, at that second, you WERE me- the best of me, here in this crazy world and everything about me changed. I went from trying to mold every second of every day to the way I wanted it, to just wanting to create a world that gives Camryn Patton a reason to smile. Three weeks later we were back at the hospital, you had gotten sick and needed surgery on your belly. I'll never forget them wheeling you to this big empty room, daddy right there, and the nurses and doctors leaving us alone. My tears were streaming because I was so afraid, so sad- andyou gave me the exact same look that Daddy gave you 2 minutes after you were born- the "it's ok" look. Here you were 3 weeks old, less than 10 lbs, hadn't had a meal in over a week- and your reassuring me! I had no way of knowing at that point that that's who Camryn Elyse was and still is.

Daddy loves you. Will write more tomorrow- gotta get some rest