I sat down tonight, finally having a little direction of what I wanted to write my princess. I've probably said these in previous posts, but I write in her all the time, but they are pretty much just the same long love letters to you, my daughter. Whenever I tell myself just type anyway, my common sense takes over and I just go upstairs and kiss your cheek or hold your hand while you sleep. A small part of me convinces myself that it helps give you the security of knowing that your dad is always there- the bigger part of me knows it's just because I need to hold that little hand as long as I can.
I named this post time flies because when I logged on to this site it says it's been a full year since I've posted something to you. That blew my mind because it doesn't seem anywhere close to that long, but at the same time it didn't because of the significance.
Two weeks from today my little momma, or as we say in the morning- my heart, my angel, my princess, my EVERYTHING is going to be FIVE years old. I'm sure your reading this thinking "yeah", but to me it's so bittersweet. The last 60 months have been by far the greatest blessings that I could have ever received. The funny thing is, they mostly center around you- and by the time you read this, you'll have no recollection of any of the hundreds of memories that I flashback to every single day. Right now you can talk in full detail about when daddy picked you up and you got
"nursemaids elbow". You still ask to hear the story about when me and you lived with Grandma and Daddys back hurt- but you woke up in the middle of the night at 2 years old wanting to sleep in the bed with me, so Daddy put you on his back and crawled back to his room- thats your favorite. To this day, when we drive across town you ask me to drive up route 69 so you can see the horses you used to see when we went to dance class on Saturday mornings 2 years ago. I could go on forever momma about this dad and his princess over the last 4 years and 48 weeks, and I want to because while they are our memories, I know that without the tons of pics that I've posted on sites like Facebook, and the few we have here in the house- they die with me.
At the same time I feel rejuvenated at the thought that my girl is 5. Whenever I say that to myself I think "Tomorrow- tomorrow- I love ya tomorrow (your song) because if God is willing, I'll see the beautiful spirit I've been trusted to mold turn into something better than I was ever capable of being. In my world, I'm surrounded by parents who are trying to mold their children into carbon copies of themselves. You'll see as you grown that your dad isn't taking that route at all. At 5, you've already completed 2 full years of full day school. Your teacher told me yesterday that you've aced the test for admission to kindergarten and first grade already and your reading level is 5 paces above what they expected. You have 3 years of dance and a year of gymnastics under your belt. What that means Camryn Patton is that I swear to you that the world is yours. My job is to make sure that whatever you want to succeed at, you have a chance to do that- and your Daddy will not let you down.
It's not going to be easier from here. I know that. Over these first few years we've spent ALOT of time together, but never as much as the last 6 months. Every day I'm lucky enough to get you ready for school, bring you there, pick you up, hit the stores for snacks and clothes after school, then go to the gym or your dance class- TOGETHER! 26 straight weeks. For you it's being the princess you are, for your dad- it's HEAVEN! So know that as you grow, and continue to become the unbelievably special little lady you are, that you've done more for me, than I could ever do for you.
Someday, a long time from now, your going to be grown. We won't have hugged or held hands for months because you'll be busy making your way in the world- and I'll be busy paying for it :) but you'll hold my hand. And whether your 18, 22, 35, or 40 years old when that happens- you'll be 4 to me!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 14, 2011
THIS BIG???
If your wondering about the title- it's something you tell me every single day. When I carry you into school (everyday because you REFUSE to walk) I always ask if you know how much daddy loves you. You stretch your arms, neck, and legs and go "THIS BIG", and I always tell you the same thing- "not even close boo boo- daddy loves you WAY more".
As I sit in front of this laptop tonight you are less than a 1/2 hr away from being 4 years old in less than a month. Yup- daddy thinks about it that much! People used to tell me that high school would be the fastest 4 years of my life. Then they told me to appreciate every minute of college- because not only would it fly by, but it would also be the best 4 years of my life. Well, I'm sure some of those people had children- but they certainly didn't have Camryn Elyse Patton, because if they did, there's no way they would have made such stupid statements. My truth is that at 36 years old, I barely remember anything B.C. (before Cam). If someone was to ask me my fav old school memory, I wouldn't have one- because I'd be cycling through you and I at Home Depot when you were so small I had to strap your car seat into the little basket at the front of the cart and the cashier telling that she could tell that you and I were two peas in a pod because we were ALWAYS together, or you at 2 holding my hand bossing me around Mystic Aquarium, and of course my all time favorite memory- a month before your 2nd birthday- you putting your arms around my back singing "Tomorrow" from Annie. I bet if I even mention it to your Grandma- she's cry because she watched it- and Grandma don't cry :)
I never expected it to be so easy so quickly. You were supposed to change everything I did. I had a daughter- who was going to need me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I think the first sentence you could say after you learned to walk was "I can do it". Meaning Daddy had to sit there and watch you go through trial and error at one years old without you needing a hand to hold onto. My biggest win now is just knowing that YOU know that before you can even stumble- Daddys hand is on your back so your always upright! But your still that independent soul at 3 years old and I can't argue with it one bit. Me and mommy get an unbelievable amount of compliments from your school about who you are on almost a weekly basis (I have to figure out a way to scan and post your test scores:) and while we take the credit for sure- we both know that you are something way more special than a simple reflection of what we've done so far.
It's so bittersweet being a parent. The best 4 years of my life are the first years of yours. The countless moments that we've had, that cause me to tear up, that have your mom, your grandma, your godma and so many others just shaking their heads at who you are already- you won't even remember. Then again- Daddy has gone through a million nicknames with you already- we started with Pinky Linky Fat Fat, went to L.C., Boo Boo, Momma, Smiley Kincade, and others- but the one we have now is the most perfect- makes you and me smile every time we say it-which makes me think that regardless of what the future holds- you know EXACTLY what it is right now- and always is- SPECIAL PATTON! SPECIAL PATTON! SPECIAL PATTON. thats exactly who and what you are!
Daddy loves you!
As I sit in front of this laptop tonight you are less than a 1/2 hr away from being 4 years old in less than a month. Yup- daddy thinks about it that much! People used to tell me that high school would be the fastest 4 years of my life. Then they told me to appreciate every minute of college- because not only would it fly by, but it would also be the best 4 years of my life. Well, I'm sure some of those people had children- but they certainly didn't have Camryn Elyse Patton, because if they did, there's no way they would have made such stupid statements. My truth is that at 36 years old, I barely remember anything B.C. (before Cam). If someone was to ask me my fav old school memory, I wouldn't have one- because I'd be cycling through you and I at Home Depot when you were so small I had to strap your car seat into the little basket at the front of the cart and the cashier telling that she could tell that you and I were two peas in a pod because we were ALWAYS together, or you at 2 holding my hand bossing me around Mystic Aquarium, and of course my all time favorite memory- a month before your 2nd birthday- you putting your arms around my back singing "Tomorrow" from Annie. I bet if I even mention it to your Grandma- she's cry because she watched it- and Grandma don't cry :)
I never expected it to be so easy so quickly. You were supposed to change everything I did. I had a daughter- who was going to need me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I think the first sentence you could say after you learned to walk was "I can do it". Meaning Daddy had to sit there and watch you go through trial and error at one years old without you needing a hand to hold onto. My biggest win now is just knowing that YOU know that before you can even stumble- Daddys hand is on your back so your always upright! But your still that independent soul at 3 years old and I can't argue with it one bit. Me and mommy get an unbelievable amount of compliments from your school about who you are on almost a weekly basis (I have to figure out a way to scan and post your test scores:) and while we take the credit for sure- we both know that you are something way more special than a simple reflection of what we've done so far.
It's so bittersweet being a parent. The best 4 years of my life are the first years of yours. The countless moments that we've had, that cause me to tear up, that have your mom, your grandma, your godma and so many others just shaking their heads at who you are already- you won't even remember. Then again- Daddy has gone through a million nicknames with you already- we started with Pinky Linky Fat Fat, went to L.C., Boo Boo, Momma, Smiley Kincade, and others- but the one we have now is the most perfect- makes you and me smile every time we say it-which makes me think that regardless of what the future holds- you know EXACTLY what it is right now- and always is- SPECIAL PATTON! SPECIAL PATTON! SPECIAL PATTON. thats exactly who and what you are!
Daddy loves you!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Daddy Loves You
I've been writing you this letter since I was 18 years old. Sounds crazy doesn't it, since you weren't born until I was 32. But it took your birth for your dad to be able to put all of the pieces of his life together and understand how everything I ever did added up to the ultimate blessing- YOU. I remember sitting at your grandmothers kitchen table, in the middle of the night just wanting to write- letters, poems, songs, anything that would bring my heart to life, so that if anything ever happened to me, the people I love would know how I felt about them.
Two minutes after you were born, they put you down in the bassonet to listen to your heartbeat, to make sure you were ok- you stared at your dad the whole time like you knew I was your protection, and I remember thinking- NOTHING will harm you Boo Boo- then just wishing I had a pen.
My granddad died was I was 11. He was the closest thing to a father I had. My grandmother, your great grandma passed away the year before and everyone said that granddad died of a broken heart. I was a kid, but I so vividly remember hearing people talk about how he had nothing to live for once grandma died, and everytime I heard it I would think"what about me"? I would wake up in the morning and think that that would be the day that I told granddad- "I need you- live for me,", but I never did it- and never got the chance to. Thats when I decided that I would never let anyone not know how I feel about them, what they meant to me...21 years later I had a daughter- and for the first time in my life- I didn't even have the vocabulary to say how in love I was- I still don't.
My first words when you were born were "she looks just like me"! Lips, nose, and the big forehead- all daddy :) To me, at that second, you WERE me- the best of me, here in this crazy world and everything about me changed. I went from trying to mold every second of every day to the way I wanted it, to just wanting to create a world that gives Camryn Patton a reason to smile. Three weeks later we were back at the hospital, you had gotten sick and needed surgery on your belly. I'll never forget them wheeling you to this big empty room, daddy right there, and the nurses and doctors leaving us alone. My tears were streaming because I was so afraid, so sad- andyou gave me the exact same look that Daddy gave you 2 minutes after you were born- the "it's ok" look. Here you were 3 weeks old, less than 10 lbs, hadn't had a meal in over a week- and your reassuring me! I had no way of knowing at that point that that's who Camryn Elyse was and still is.
Daddy loves you. Will write more tomorrow- gotta get some rest
Two minutes after you were born, they put you down in the bassonet to listen to your heartbeat, to make sure you were ok- you stared at your dad the whole time like you knew I was your protection, and I remember thinking- NOTHING will harm you Boo Boo- then just wishing I had a pen.
My granddad died was I was 11. He was the closest thing to a father I had. My grandmother, your great grandma passed away the year before and everyone said that granddad died of a broken heart. I was a kid, but I so vividly remember hearing people talk about how he had nothing to live for once grandma died, and everytime I heard it I would think"what about me"? I would wake up in the morning and think that that would be the day that I told granddad- "I need you- live for me,", but I never did it- and never got the chance to. Thats when I decided that I would never let anyone not know how I feel about them, what they meant to me...21 years later I had a daughter- and for the first time in my life- I didn't even have the vocabulary to say how in love I was- I still don't.
My first words when you were born were "she looks just like me"! Lips, nose, and the big forehead- all daddy :) To me, at that second, you WERE me- the best of me, here in this crazy world and everything about me changed. I went from trying to mold every second of every day to the way I wanted it, to just wanting to create a world that gives Camryn Patton a reason to smile. Three weeks later we were back at the hospital, you had gotten sick and needed surgery on your belly. I'll never forget them wheeling you to this big empty room, daddy right there, and the nurses and doctors leaving us alone. My tears were streaming because I was so afraid, so sad- andyou gave me the exact same look that Daddy gave you 2 minutes after you were born- the "it's ok" look. Here you were 3 weeks old, less than 10 lbs, hadn't had a meal in over a week- and your reassuring me! I had no way of knowing at that point that that's who Camryn Elyse was and still is.
Daddy loves you. Will write more tomorrow- gotta get some rest
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Life! It amazes me that people really are still trying to figure it out- as thought its some mystery. As though the way we LIVE today isn't our REAL life- and that there's always something better right around the corner- then THAT will be our lives. The best thing I ever did was to wake up and realize that on a scale of 1 to 10- with 2 being those Shanti's in Africa, where the tribesman and women still hunt for meals, 1 being a regular citizen of Iraq right now, I'd have to rate mine at a solid 8, and this is coming from someone with singles in the bank, and thousands in bills. See- I'll NEVER underappreciate waking up and seeing a woman who will be my partner for better or worse, children who love me when I give and when I don't, and going to a job that doesn't require me to forgo all dignity to bring home a paycheck that STILL leaves me short every month. As blessed as I know I am, I'm more than cognizant of the fact that this has all been one long journey, one that has been as full as ups as it has been downs, full of as many tears as it has smiles, and it all is just LIFE.
Monday, September 21, 2009
why are we so unwilling to change??
A few months back I had someone ask me why people are so unwilling to change and would rather hold onto hurt than engage in conversation or confrontation.
We spend so much time trying to change people to be more of what we want them to be, we rarely look in the mirror to confont our own faults- and when we do- we put about as much effort into changing as we do in getting dressed on a rainy day! Anyway- this was my answer:
I think it's a few things. For 1) who teaches us how to change? The first time you cried in kindergarten because no one would play with you- what were you told?? JUST BE YOURSELF! Don't change for anyone- so you start to take ownership of all your characteristics and expect things to change to suit YOU. It works well when your 5- but then there's no one there to steer you in the other direction once adulthood hits.
In MY opinion, the one thing that's rarely taught is how to create a humble spirit in ourselves so when you start to realize that you need it- you have no clue how to get it. So there's no balance
However, I also believe that it's because change takes SACRIFICE, and the willingness to drop your EGO and actually find weaknesses in yourself. Something I've noticed over the past 6 months as I've begun to really pick people's brains is how many people use this line "I know I'm not perfect". But ask them what specific things they need to change about WHO they are, they freeze up and it's " I don't know- a few things I guess".
Finally, it's fear. No different than moving, or changing the way you dress, or getting your hair cut by a new barber, or a new hairstyle for women. We all have a defined comfort zone that we naturally gravitate to as a means of survival. To change means that for a period of time you will not have anywhere to retreat to when the going gets rough and that's just a risk some people aren't willing to take, even though they know that they are leaving themselves stagnant as a result. Like we talked about a few weeks ago- people want to be touched, but never penetrated- fixed- but never healed!!
We spend so much time trying to change people to be more of what we want them to be, we rarely look in the mirror to confont our own faults- and when we do- we put about as much effort into changing as we do in getting dressed on a rainy day! Anyway- this was my answer:
I think it's a few things. For 1) who teaches us how to change? The first time you cried in kindergarten because no one would play with you- what were you told?? JUST BE YOURSELF! Don't change for anyone- so you start to take ownership of all your characteristics and expect things to change to suit YOU. It works well when your 5- but then there's no one there to steer you in the other direction once adulthood hits.
In MY opinion, the one thing that's rarely taught is how to create a humble spirit in ourselves so when you start to realize that you need it- you have no clue how to get it. So there's no balance
However, I also believe that it's because change takes SACRIFICE, and the willingness to drop your EGO and actually find weaknesses in yourself. Something I've noticed over the past 6 months as I've begun to really pick people's brains is how many people use this line "I know I'm not perfect". But ask them what specific things they need to change about WHO they are, they freeze up and it's " I don't know- a few things I guess".
Finally, it's fear. No different than moving, or changing the way you dress, or getting your hair cut by a new barber, or a new hairstyle for women. We all have a defined comfort zone that we naturally gravitate to as a means of survival. To change means that for a period of time you will not have anywhere to retreat to when the going gets rough and that's just a risk some people aren't willing to take, even though they know that they are leaving themselves stagnant as a result. Like we talked about a few weeks ago- people want to be touched, but never penetrated- fixed- but never healed!!
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