Congratulations momma. Today the princess won an award in class. Out of 22 children, yours was the best thought writing of the week, and your work is going to be displayed throughout your class- on the "star board". You were SO excited to tell me too. When Daddys picked up up I asked about your day- if anything special happened" and you- as usual said "no". Then the second we pull out of the parking lot- you go "dad- something AWESOME happened- look in my bag", and I found your award certificate.

Watching you go from my baby- to my little momma is something amazing. When you were born I just hoped you'd have some of my features- then you looked just like a female me. Then I take you to dinner last week, and you wouldn't talk to the entire time, because you were writing. When I called your grandma tonight to tell her about the award- she said it reminded her of me- see the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Point being, I see how much of me is in you- and it's all my good- and it gives me so much hope for your future. Don't ever stop writing spec- even if it's to yourself. your thoughts becomes words and they become easier to understand.

There's going to be a hard wood covered journal for you someday- that will answer every question you have- that's not for everyone to see. Daddy tells you every day that he "got u"- and I don't just mean today or tomorrow- I mean forever

lesson 1

Whew- what a change. My lil momma is 5 and let me tell you- you SWEAR you run the world! Like everyone told me would happen- Daddy now has to reel you back in from the princess who got it all and now raise a young woman. As a man who was raised by a woman, your fortunate because the fact that your a girl won't soften me at all- in fact it probably makes me a little more strict. You'll thank me for it later (thats the cliche line all parents put in when we change it up on our children) :)

This blog was really born out of the idea that God forbid something should happen to me, I needed to leave you something personal so you could connect to your dad- know who I was and what I tried to be about. Then it turns to a daddy daughter love letter everytime I type- not this time.

The Christmas before you were born I received book after book about the relationship between a father and daughter. I read them all. Your Nana (moms mom) gave me one that literally blew my mind. It took a dad through the stages of his daughters childhood- and gave him pointers on how to react to each situation. FOR EXAMPLE- when you came downstairs Tuesday night with your Monster High makeup kit asking if you could just put a little on. You fully expected me to tell you "absolutely not" because you started the conversation by saying "hey dad- your going to say no- so nevermind", but I know your a girl- a princess- so sometimes what I think as a DAD- has to be put aside for my daughter-next thing I know you looked like you were 18 and I was kicking myself in the butt.

Anyway- there was a non descript page- in the middle of that book that simply said something like -"hug your wife". To a man like me- I didn;t need to read anything else. See- it's almost crazy to say- but your dad never "really" saw marriage until he was in one. My mom and dad divorced before I was old enough to remember anything about them being together. All my uncles and aunts were married and divorced and I didn't even have friends whose parents were together until I was 14- and by then they seemed like the weird ones for being married. When I used to see myself as a parent, I envisioned a nice apartment, somewhere far away, where it was just me and my child- no thought of another parent in the mix because I had no idea that really existed.

Then I met your mom.

When I got my first job after college it was at The Hartford in Southington,CT. One day, she emailed me just to say hello- we were from the same town and knew each other vaguely through our cousin Tia. Needless to say- she was as beautiful a girl that I had ever talked to. We dated briefy- but her smile was and still is my kryptonite. A few conversations and we were connected forever without as much as a kiss between us. This was in 1998.  If you look hard enough and they haven't been destroyed- theres a manilla folder downstairs that has most of the emails that her and I sent back and forth all those years ago. I promised her that regardless of what life put between us- time or situation- when she was ready, I'd marry her at the drop of a dime.

We saw each other about once a year for the next 5 years. One day she called me and we made lunch plans. 357 days later we were engaged to be married.

It hasn't been easy. In fact, it's been more than I think either of us bargained for. Fortunately, we had Dante and Dej to keep us focused even in the worse of times early on. Then you came- and the reality that we were a true and living FAMILY- not just 2 people trying to be together started to hit. But as with most, it could only carry us so far.

SO- long story short- we hit rock bottom- like all couples do. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life- and while I cant speak for your mom (she better say the same :) it was also the best thing to ever happen to us. When our family was on the line- we couldn't do anything but go back to how we felt about each other to save it- and it worked. We relied on love. It was a hard lesson for someone as selfish as I was at that time. I had to ask myself if I was loving your mom the way I'd want someone to love my daughters. The answer was NO WAY. And I knew there was no better way to set the example for all three of you guys than to buckle down and be the man I'd want you to expect for yourself- or Dante to be. And it all starts with loving your mother with everything I have- giving her the respect and love every woman deserves and putting her on the pedestal that she earned. You better expect the same! I fail sometimes- but I never stop trying.

I tell you this now because it really is the most important gift I can give you momma. Someday- you'll be a big girl- and some dumb boy will profess his love for you and you'll so badly want to believe it. Who doesn't want to be loved? But love is not a noun- it is a verb. I told your mom years ago how much I loved her-but my actions didn't always back up what I was saying- and vice versa. Love is committing to your commitments- and not allowing a persons mistakes to overthrow your feelings for them- WITHIN REASON. A man that says I love you BUT- should be shown the door or shot by me. But when someone tells you I love you on your best day, your worst day- or more importantly- after a bunch of those type days- well- thats the love your dad and your mom hope to show you, Dante and Punkin.

time flies

I sat down tonight, finally having a little direction of what I wanted to write my princess. I've probably said these in previous posts, but I write in her all the time, but they are pretty much just the same long love letters to you, my daughter. Whenever I tell myself just type anyway, my common sense takes over and I just go upstairs and kiss your cheek or hold your hand while you sleep. A small part of me convinces myself that it helps give you the security of knowing that your dad is always there- the bigger part of me knows it's just because I need to hold that little hand as long as I can.

I named this post time flies because when I logged on to this site it says it's been a full year since I've posted something to you. That blew my mind because it doesn't seem anywhere close to that long, but at the same time it didn't because of the significance.

Two weeks from today my little momma, or as we say in the morning- my heart, my angel, my princess, my EVERYTHING is going to be FIVE years old. I'm sure your reading this thinking "yeah", but to me it's so bittersweet. The last 60 months have been by far the greatest blessings that I could have ever received. The funny thing is, they mostly center around you- and by the time you read this, you'll have no recollection of any of the hundreds of memories that I flashback to every single day. Right now you can talk in full detail about when daddy picked you up and you got
"nursemaids elbow". You still ask to hear the story about when me and you lived with Grandma and Daddys back hurt- but you woke up in the middle of the night at 2 years old wanting to sleep in the bed with me, so Daddy put you on his back and crawled back to his room- thats your favorite. To this day, when we drive across town you ask me to drive up route 69 so you can see the horses you used to see when we went to dance class on Saturday mornings 2 years ago. I could go on forever momma about this dad and his princess over the last 4 years and 48 weeks, and I want to because while they are our memories, I know that without the tons of pics that I've posted on sites like Facebook, and the few we have here in the house- they die with me.

At the same time I feel rejuvenated at the thought that my girl is 5. Whenever I say that to myself I think "Tomorrow- tomorrow- I love ya tomorrow (your song) because if God is willing, I'll see the beautiful spirit I've been trusted to mold turn into something better than I was ever capable of being. In my world, I'm surrounded by parents who are trying to mold their children into carbon copies of themselves. You'll see as you grown that your dad isn't taking that route at all. At 5, you've already completed 2 full years of full day school. Your teacher told me yesterday that you've aced the test for admission to kindergarten and first grade already and your reading level is 5 paces above what they expected. You have 3 years of dance and a year of gymnastics under your belt. What that means Camryn Patton is that I swear to you that the world is yours. My job is to make sure that whatever you want to succeed at, you have a chance to do that- and your Daddy will not let you down.

 It's not going to be easier from here. I know that. Over these first few years we've spent ALOT of time together, but never as much as the last 6 months. Every day I'm lucky enough to get you ready for school, bring you there, pick you up, hit the stores for snacks and clothes after school, then go to the gym or your dance class- TOGETHER! 26 straight weeks. For you it's being the princess you are, for your dad- it's HEAVEN! So know that as you grow, and continue to become the unbelievably special little lady you are, that you've done more for me, than I could ever do for you.

 Someday, a long time from now, your going to be grown. We won't have hugged or held hands for months because you'll be busy making your way in the world- and I'll be busy paying for it :) but you'll hold my hand. And whether your 18, 22, 35, or 40 years old when that happens- you'll be 4 to me!

THIS BIG???

If your wondering about the title- it's something you tell me every single day. When I carry you into school (everyday because you REFUSE to walk) I always ask if you know how much daddy loves you. You stretch your arms, neck, and legs and go "THIS BIG", and I always tell you the same thing- "not even close boo boo- daddy loves you WAY more".

As I sit in front of this laptop tonight you are less than a 1/2 hr away from being 4 years old in less than a month. Yup- daddy thinks about it that much! People used to tell me that high school would be the fastest 4 years of my life. Then they told me to appreciate every minute of college- because not only would it fly by, but it would also be the best 4 years of my life. Well, I'm sure some of those people had children- but they certainly didn't have Camryn Elyse Patton, because if they did, there's no way they would have made such stupid statements. My truth is that at 36 years old, I barely remember anything B.C. (before Cam). If someone was to ask me my fav old school memory, I wouldn't have one- because I'd be cycling through you and I at Home Depot when you were so small I had to strap your car seat into the little basket at the front of the cart and the cashier telling that she could tell that you and I were two peas in a pod because we were ALWAYS together, or you at 2 holding my hand bossing me around Mystic Aquarium, and of course my all time favorite memory- a month before your 2nd birthday- you putting your arms around my back singing "Tomorrow" from Annie. I bet if I even mention it to your Grandma- she's cry because she watched it- and Grandma don't cry :)

I never expected it to be so easy so quickly. You were supposed to change everything I did. I had a daughter- who was going to need me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I think the first sentence you could say after you learned to walk was "I can do it". Meaning Daddy had to sit there and watch you go through trial and error at one years old without you needing a hand to hold onto. My biggest win now is just knowing that YOU know that before you can even stumble- Daddys hand is on your back so your always upright! But your still that independent soul at 3 years old and I can't argue with it one bit. Me and mommy get an unbelievable amount of compliments from your school about who you are on almost a weekly basis (I have to figure out a way to scan and post your test scores:) and while we take the credit for sure- we both know that you are something way more special than a simple reflection of what we've done so far.

It's so bittersweet being a parent. The best 4 years of my life are the first years of yours. The countless moments that we've had, that cause me to tear up, that have your mom, your grandma, your godma and so many others just shaking their heads at who you are already- you won't even remember.  Then again- Daddy has gone through a million nicknames with you already- we started with Pinky Linky Fat Fat, went to L.C., Boo Boo, Momma, Smiley Kincade, and others- but the one we have now is the most perfect- makes you and me smile every time we say it-which makes me think that regardless of what the future holds- you know EXACTLY what it is right now- and always is- SPECIAL PATTON! SPECIAL PATTON! SPECIAL PATTON. thats exactly who and what you are!

Daddy loves you!

 

Daddy Loves You

I've been writing you this letter since I was 18 years old. Sounds crazy doesn't it, since you weren't born until I was 32. But it took your birth for your dad to be able to put all of the pieces of his life together and understand how everything I ever did added up to the ultimate blessing- YOU. I remember sitting at your grandmothers kitchen table, in the middle of the night just wanting to write- letters, poems, songs, anything that would bring my heart to life, so that if anything ever happened to me, the people I love would know how I felt about them.
Two minutes after you were born, they put you down in the bassonet to listen to your heartbeat, to make sure you were ok- you stared at your dad the whole time like you knew I was your protection, and I remember thinking- NOTHING will harm you Boo Boo- then just wishing I had a pen.

My granddad died was I was 11. He was the closest thing to a father I had. My grandmother, your great grandma passed away the year before and everyone said that granddad died of a broken heart. I was a kid, but I so vividly remember hearing people talk about how he had nothing to live for once grandma died, and everytime I heard it I would think"what about me"? I would wake up in the morning and think that that would be the day that I told granddad- "I need you- live for me,", but I never did it- and never got the chance to. Thats when I decided that I would never let anyone not know how I feel about them, what they meant to me...21 years later I had a daughter- and for the first time in my life- I didn't even have the vocabulary to say how in love I was- I still don't.

My first words when you were born were "she looks just like me"! Lips, nose, and the big forehead- all daddy :) To me, at that second, you WERE me- the best of me, here in this crazy world and everything about me changed. I went from trying to mold every second of every day to the way I wanted it, to just wanting to create a world that gives Camryn Patton a reason to smile. Three weeks later we were back at the hospital, you had gotten sick and needed surgery on your belly. I'll never forget them wheeling you to this big empty room, daddy right there, and the nurses and doctors leaving us alone. My tears were streaming because I was so afraid, so sad- andyou gave me the exact same look that Daddy gave you 2 minutes after you were born- the "it's ok" look. Here you were 3 weeks old, less than 10 lbs, hadn't had a meal in over a week- and your reassuring me! I had no way of knowing at that point that that's who Camryn Elyse was and still is.

Daddy loves you. Will write more tomorrow- gotta get some rest

Life! It amazes me that people really are still trying to figure it out- as thought its some mystery. As though the way we LIVE today isn't our REAL life- and that there's always something better right around the corner- then THAT will be our lives. The best thing I ever did was to wake up and realize that on a scale of 1 to 10- with 2 being those Shanti's in Africa, where the tribesman and women still hunt for meals, 1 being a regular citizen of Iraq right now, I'd have to rate mine at a solid 8, and this is coming from someone with singles in the bank, and thousands in bills. See- I'll NEVER underappreciate waking up and seeing a woman who will be my partner for better or worse, children who love me when I give and when I don't, and going to a job that doesn't require me to forgo all dignity to bring home a paycheck that STILL leaves me short every month. As blessed as I know I am, I'm more than cognizant of the fact that this has all been one long journey, one that has been as full as ups as it has been downs, full of as many tears as it has smiles, and it all is just LIFE.

why are we so unwilling to change??

A few months back I had someone ask me why people are so unwilling to change and would rather hold onto hurt than engage in conversation or confrontation.

We spend so much time trying to change people to be more of what we want them to be, we rarely look in the mirror to confont our own faults- and when we do- we put about as much effort into changing as we do in getting dressed on a rainy day! Anyway- this was my answer:

I think it's a few things. For 1) who teaches us how to change? The first time you cried in kindergarten because no one would play with you- what were you told?? JUST BE YOURSELF! Don't change for anyone- so you start to take ownership of all your characteristics and expect things to change to suit YOU. It works well when your 5- but then there's no one there to steer you in the other direction once adulthood hits.

In MY opinion, the one thing that's rarely taught is how to create a humble spirit in ourselves so when you start to realize that you need it- you have no clue how to get it. So there's no balance

However, I also believe that it's because change takes SACRIFICE, and the willingness to drop your EGO and actually find weaknesses in yourself. Something I've noticed over the past 6 months as I've begun to really pick people's brains is how many people use this line "I know I'm not perfect". But ask them what specific things they need to change about WHO they are, they freeze up and it's " I don't know- a few things I guess".

Finally, it's fear. No different than moving, or changing the way you dress, or getting your hair cut by a new barber, or a new hairstyle for women. We all have a defined comfort zone that we naturally gravitate to as a means of survival. To change means that for a period of time you will not have anywhere to retreat to when the going gets rough and that's just a risk some people aren't willing to take, even though they know that they are leaving themselves stagnant as a result. Like we talked about a few weeks ago- people want to be touched, but never penetrated- fixed- but never healed!!